Have you ever gambled into the night for Lunar New Year?
I created a huge reaction in someone recently: venom, shock, defensiveness, anger, fear.
It wasn't because of the pussyhat.
It was because I suggested meeting up in 5 days.
"But but… that's EASTER," she spit out, aghast.
"OK, we don't have to meet that day." I say, surprised.
For a second, I felt like a really really bad person. How could I expect someone to meet up on a holiday? On a Sunday? On a holy day? Her family didn't live in town, but maybe she was going to go to church, cook a dinner, decorate Easter eggs – things my family and I don't do, but I'm aware that it's a thing.
I felt bad for deeply offending her.
But then, I realized something else was at play. I talk about it Chapter 10 of my book DIY Rules for a WTF World. We had different importance scales.
When Chinese New Year comes around, I don't expect people to know not to contact me that day for work, I don't even expect people to know when that is. Instead, I go around telling everyone I might conceivably work with on those days that I will be unavailable, explaining that it is the biggest holiday in the Chinese culture and we are expected to be with family.
When friend Yumi suggested we meet on Lunar New Year, I didn't shame her, "How could you?! That's Lunar New Year. It's the biggest holiday of the year. We commune with ancestors. It is a time-honored tradition." Instead, I said no to the meeting and patiently explained why, even entertaining her with tidbits about gambling late into the night to ring in the new year with luck.
This is setting boundaries (no, I can't meet that day), and it doesn't have to be awkward, it can even be fun (like bragging to people that I'm the Columbia University Mahjong Champion of 2011).
But sometimes, instead of setting personal boundaries, we rely on patriarchal institutions instead. If you've attended my talks, you'll know that my definition of patriarchy is the idea that there is one right way of doing things - and you're doing it wrong.
We all invoke patriarchy sometimes. "How could she want to meet up on that day, everyone knows that's off-limits!" "Why did my roommate take my food? Food is the most primal thing! It was mine!" We refer to rules, the one right way of doing things. We'll even attack ourselves with it. "Why didn't I leave 10 minutes earlier? Everyone knows the one right way of doing things is to always leave them wanting more. I really wore out my welcome."
Feminism as antidote to patriarchy requires us to banish the idea that there is one right way of doing something. So my Easter-loving pal might see that, "Oh, not everyone celebrates Easter, but I would prefer to celebrate it and have that day off, so I'm going to express that now," instead of running to the patriarchal rule, "No one works on Easter, how dare you!"
The hungry roommate who had her food eaten might see that, "Oh, my roommate sees the fridge as a communal place and believes in not wasting food so she thought she was doing me a favor by eating that. I need to communicate to her that I see it differently. I can do that without shaming her by saying that everyone does it my way, which isn't even true."
And when you're attacking yourself with a patriarchal admonishment, you can be kind to yourself, "Each party has a different feel, and I did my best. There's no one right way or perfect time to leave. Maybe the best thing to do was to leave when I did. And really, I caused no harm, so there's no need to feel so bad."
It's an ongoing practice, to identify patriarchy in this way. I literally consult my own book to remind myself of the exercises to keep my mind open and to not cling to patriarchy. I recommend reading Chapter 10 of my book DIY Rules where I go into this particular topic more! My book is available pretty much everywhere, and it makes the PERFECT gift for grads. Here's some links:
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